I recently received my grades from the fall semester of graduate school. 2 A's which maintains my 4.0 GPA. I admit, a very big part of me is proud of myself for being able to accomplish this, so far. Reading books and articles and writing papers have started to take a toll on me, especially this past semester. But, I did it. After wondering if this would be the semester that would ruin my perfect GPA, I was pleased to find out that I've kept it. But, something has been lingering, and I couldn't exactly put my finger on it....until now.
I started to wonder what my GPA would be as a mom. Let's face it. To be candid, staying home as a mom is also taking a toll on me. It's been over six years now, using my oldest son's age to keep track. I find myself wondering how much longer I can do this...similar feelings that I've had towards school. I find myself confused, because I thought this is what I've always wanted...again, similar feelings towards school. I find myself cleaning up my son's potty accident, trying so hard to stay calm, but meanwhile wondering, "Is this what I went to school for?" or "What happened to my goals in life?" I strive on the hope that I'm not the only one who feels this way; that this is a common thought, (once in awhile,) from a stay at home mom. And to my relief, as I talk to some mom friends, it is....a common thought. However, not a thought that makes us want to stop doing it, but one that we share and understand that every day is not going to be a piece of cake. (It just makes us want to EAT more cake.)
Ironically, as I have started to go back to school, so thrilled to do something for myself, I began to resent it. I started to resent it, because it was taking time away from enjoying my family. My mind was preoccupied with what my next project was going to be or when I would be able to squeeze in some of the reading or research that had to be done rather than just sitting with my kids or my husband. My perfectionistic personality was in high gear, but nothing could be "perfect," because the time had to be shared. I realized this when I received my first project back with a score equivalent to a "C." Unacceptable. But, what about my parenting? If I can't accept an average grade in my class, I absolutely should not accept an average grade in my parenting.
I only need to worry about school until October, when I will graduate. But, the results in my parenting will be a lifetime. I'm proud of myself for my accomplishments so far in my classes, but I can't say I am feeling celebratory. I am realizing now that I need a 4.0 GPA in my parenting, as well. That would definitely be something worth celebrating. I better stop procrastinating and get focused.
If your kids could grade you, what do you think you would get?
